I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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