Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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