I want to have your abortion
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
there is puke in my bra ... again
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