Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
