i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
