Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she pinky promised me she was 18
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
