just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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