if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
