But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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