wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
