it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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