His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
