I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
