so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
