I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
