Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
