based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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