I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
