If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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