Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
