you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
