Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
