so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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