ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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