if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
