That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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