the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
