I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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