Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
