i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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