I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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