When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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