Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
