Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
