Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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