my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
