1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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