Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
