Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
