Taylor Swift is so right about you.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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