Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
