If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
