dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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