Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
