The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
worst night to have a conscience
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
