I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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