She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
