Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
