i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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