Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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