I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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