sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
