she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
